OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
