I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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