just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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