Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
