You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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