no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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