I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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