Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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