did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We are all done wearing pants today
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
