I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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