No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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