Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
