there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
