mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
