dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
