then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
