I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Randomize
