wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
So much rum. So many feels.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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