I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
