Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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