If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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