It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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