I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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