Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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