At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
