I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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