i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
