mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
