her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
