I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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