dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
