I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
