grandma shit on top of the toilet
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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