I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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