Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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