He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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