Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
