i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
