you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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