I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
