Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
