don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
