I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
