Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
