Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
