They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm both gender and math confused
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
