I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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