my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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