Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
