There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
