Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
50% drunk capacity currently
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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