I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
