tell your sister to shave her snatch
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I have feelings that need drinking.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
