I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
